A recent realization that bites
Right. Confession time.
It's a little shocking, this whole thing. I've finally realized that a lot of my "emotion" is fake. I don't really feel half as much as I think I do. I can't handle a relationship because I don't feel enough. I don't care to be around him. I don't care whether he's there or not. I have no desire to kiss him, hold his hand, even talk to him.
See, I have this modus operandi.
Step One: I like unattainable men. Damaged, mysterious, unattainable. Any combination will do.
Step Two: I chase. Oh, I love the chase. It makes me feel like a woman. I fawn. I blush. I write poetry. I cry. Everyone, myself included, thinks I'm either head over heels or totally insane.
Step Three: The unattainable becomes interested, or otherwise attainable.
Step Four: I lose interest instantly and walk in the other direction at a brisk clip.
It's happened so many times I've lost count. I know why I'm so detached and distant, and it's a natural reaction, all things considered. But everybody has hurdles in life. I apparently tripped on the first one and am still lying on the ground waiting to be pulled up. But you know, it doesn't work that way. If I can't pick myself up, nobody will.
So there we go. This is my plan for the future, as of this realization - have friends, go without sex all my life (shut up, it can be done), have children via artificial insemination, and chase unattainable men by way of recreation.
Talk done.
It's a little shocking, this whole thing. I've finally realized that a lot of my "emotion" is fake. I don't really feel half as much as I think I do. I can't handle a relationship because I don't feel enough. I don't care to be around him. I don't care whether he's there or not. I have no desire to kiss him, hold his hand, even talk to him.
See, I have this modus operandi.
Step One: I like unattainable men. Damaged, mysterious, unattainable. Any combination will do.
Step Two: I chase. Oh, I love the chase. It makes me feel like a woman. I fawn. I blush. I write poetry. I cry. Everyone, myself included, thinks I'm either head over heels or totally insane.
Step Three: The unattainable becomes interested, or otherwise attainable.
Step Four: I lose interest instantly and walk in the other direction at a brisk clip.
It's happened so many times I've lost count. I know why I'm so detached and distant, and it's a natural reaction, all things considered. But everybody has hurdles in life. I apparently tripped on the first one and am still lying on the ground waiting to be pulled up. But you know, it doesn't work that way. If I can't pick myself up, nobody will.
So there we go. This is my plan for the future, as of this realization - have friends, go without sex all my life (shut up, it can be done), have children via artificial insemination, and chase unattainable men by way of recreation.
Talk done.
posted by Ariana at 6:51 PM
3 Comments:
Ohhh my God! Are you ME? Cause it sure as hell sounds like it! Wow, lol.
I came across your blog after Googling "relationships are infinitely complex". Crazy that my phrase was also used by someone with an uncannily similar mode of operation to mine.
Do you know anything about the aromantic/asexual movement? You don't strike me as asexual, but you could possibly be somewhere on the grey-romantic spectrum. Or experiencing limerence (like me). Or subconsciously avoidant (also like me). Look 'em up. :)
I'm bookmarking YOUR blog, that's for sure!
Thanks for the bookmark, but I haven't used this blog in five years; until you posted this I'd quite forgotten it existed. A great many things have happened since 2008, but it still seems I'm destined to long for the unavailable. Perhaps it's related to my interest in the fantasy genre, or vice versa.
And having had a four-year relationship since 2008, I still maintain that relationships are infinitely complex. Limerence is where it's at for now.
Thanks for finding my dinky ancient blog and reading it. :)
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