Fuck it all

So Cambridge is done, my results are AABC12, which means little or nothing at this point. This is my year off, but I have to decide what I'm going to do and where I'm going to do it before December. I write SATs in October. I'm getting a job in a month or so, working as an assistant to an attorney. I won't be getting paid...my "pay" will be the "experience" I get.
I've been informed by my parents that I'm going to be doing law. I'm going to be a lawyer. What bloody fucking fun.
I didn't get the grades to get into UWI to do law, so I'm probably going to end up doing it outside, at some shitty little place in Chaguanas or something. Which means there's no point in doing SATs. We don't have the money for me to do abroad anyway. But I'm still set to do them. Weird. It's not like I have any chance of getting a schol - I've forgotten all the math I've ever learned. It took me ten minutes to remember how to find the area of a triangle last week. Go figure.
Someone get me the fuck out of this country. No, really. Christ, I'd checked out this place in NYC where I wanted to go do a two-year acting course - Esper Studio - because I'm just psycho and creative like that, but noooooo.
"You're not going to New York. You're just wasting time because you don't want to make decisions about your life."
Well, fuck you. Every time I decide what to do with my life, suddenly it's wrong. Suddenly Fate kicks in and I realize that choice is an illusion and that I'm not allowed to make any decisions for myself. So what's the point of it all? Why live when I have to follow the straight and narrow path set between exactly these rigid white lines?
Fuck it. Fuck it all.